This is for you Dad

Dad
I woke up today with a million thoughts about you
Thoughts of how great a Dad you were
I was little then but am grown now
and i cant help but wish you were here today
How i could have nursed you enough to keep you to this day

But i guess no amount of nursing could have kept you still when God wills
Am a big girl now dad
And  i know a pot of porridge with a squeeze of lemon really helps to boast appetite

I know you never loved for us to see you at your lowest and you probably wouldnt even allow me to go through that for you

But i would still, you know just how stubborn your daugther is
And if it where now,  i would insist i be the one to treat you right

Today am filled with all your loving memories
Of how sweet a Dad you were
Of how i each morning would come to your room for you to fix my collar
And on how you would smile like you are trying so hard to stop it

They say there only five steps of grief but i think there more than five for me

Sadly i dont even know which step i am at. I dont know if am healing or i have only been burying all the emotions

I am filled with alots of memories about you today. Maybe i had more time on my hands today that it sank so hard i couldnt help but bury myself in memories of you

For once i stopped to wonder why thoughts of you dint make me smile today but rather made me sad and teary

Then i remembered its April.
Its reflect to think about you in April

It was 21days into this month 8years ago that we parted and was on two opposite sides of humanity.  And we couldnt chat, laugh, talk, pray, do anything together anymore.

Its already amount 8years since that day yet i stil love you more than i breath. Dad i have cried your loss countless times but no amount of crying seems to make me come to terms with it

Am not saying i am a sad girl,please dont cry.
Am only trying to say i miss you and i sometimes wish we could talk. Or just have a minute of you giving me advice on what i should do right next time......

........I smelled your perfume today, i remembered how i would sometimes steal ur perfume cause it smelt so good
And now am only left with that smell in my head.
I think in the future that will be my signature perfume
So that i can smell you around me forever and always

My mind is filled with lots of memories of you today.

Night of my graduation i thought of how proud of me you would have been
And how i wished i could see you somewhere in the crowd But i knew i wouldnt

As much as it was a special day for most people, deep inside me something dint feel really special than having you around.

All i looked forward to was the proud look on your face and i dint see it anywhere.

Dad i had my first interview last month. I asked people what was expected of me in an interview
and they were very helpful i must say. I also did some research too
But yet i still felt i needed more

Then i remembered all i needed was a little more care. And love.
Someone to put my colar down, someone to have picked my clothes and someone to  just tell me 'you will be just fine.'

Someone to sit me down minutes before i left and just speak life into me and put my hands in his and pray with me.

And that person is you Dad
But you werent there
And i was all alone
I couldnt figure out what to wear i ended up leaving only because i thought i would be late
And from my research i learnt never to be late for an interview

I cried my way through the bus, i wished you were  here not that you would have done anything special but just knowing you are there would have been enough.

But through it all i smiled because you introduced me to God and i know despite it all the God you made me know and trust at a tender age always sees me through

I wiped my tears and put loud worship music in my ears and i was more confident than ever

I think i should end here, no one will understand my tears when you have been gone 8years now